


Standing Here With You

by carolinecrane



Category: So You Think You Can Dance RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-30
Updated: 2011-12-30
Packaged: 2017-10-28 12:50:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,458
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/308055
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/carolinecrane/pseuds/carolinecrane
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The one thing Jess never figured on getting out of the show is the one thing it turns out he can't give up.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Standing Here With You

Afterwards, all Jess remembers is strong arms wrapped around him and the brush of lips against the corner of his mouth.

He knows there was a lot more to getting kicked off the show than that. Cat probably said a bunch of nice stuff about him, and there was a highlights reel playing in the background and a roar of outrage coming from the audience that was supposed to make him feel better, but mostly made him wonder where all those people were when it was time to vote. He knows the rest of the cast rushed the stage at some point, vaguely remembers people hugging him and shouting ‘sorry’ over the noise of the crowd, but then Tadd’s arms were around him and Tadd was kissing him again, and Jess forgot to remember everything else.

For awhile he tries to convince himself he imagined it, and when that doesn’t work he tries to make himself believe that Tadd didn’t really mean it. And he could convince himself of that pretty easily, because there’s still press after the show, and then there’s the rest of the cast to say goodbye to and his stuff to pack up. Except that every time Jess turns around Tadd’s there, a hand on his back or an arm around his shoulder, or sometimes just _looking_ at him like he’s remembering that moment too.

Tadd doesn’t say anything about it, even when it’s time to say goodbye for real. Instead he lets Jess laugh it off and pull him into another hug, and when Tadd’s lips brush across his neck this time, Jess holds his breath and clenches his hands hard against Tadd’s sides and tries not to react. Because he’s still going back to Jersey, and maybe it’s only for a couple weeks before he has to fly right back out for the finale, but he knows when he gets back everything will have changed.

Jess holds on as tight as he can anyway, just for a few seconds, because if this is all he gets, he wants to remember every second of it. He plays the moment over and over in his head all the way home, and by the time he gets off the plane in Newark he’s convinced that he dreamed the entire thing.

It’s not even hard to believe it while he’s home, surrounded by people who’ve known him long enough to know that Jess isn’t the kind of guy who ends up with someone like Tadd. Except that people recognize him when he goes out now, strangers call his name and he gets stopped in stores and restaurants and asked for autographs. By people who aren’t just kidding around, and it’s weird, yeah, but no weirder than Tadd looking at Jess like he was seriously thinking about kissing him right there on stage in front of the whole world.

He doesn’t let himself think about that part much, but every once in awhile the memory creeps up on him, and when it does Jess feels the pull in his stomach and has to close his eyes until it passes. Which is all well and good when he’s alone, but there’s only so many times his family and friends are going to buy ‘I’m just tired’ before they start to wonder what’s wrong with him.

The two weeks between his elimination and the finale feel like forever, so when he finally boards the flight back to L.A. it feels like torture just waiting for the plane to finally take off already. As soon as it does Jess wishes he was still back on the ground in Newark, because the second he gets back to the house and sees Tadd again he’s going to know one way or the other. At least while he was home he could pretend that there was something there between them, some spark of potential that might have gone somewhere if Jess hadn’t been sent home.

Seeing Tadd again means giving up even the potential, and Jess is pretty sure he’s not ready for that.

But he gets to see the rest of the cast, gets to perform routines he loves and hang out with his friends, and if things aren’t the same between him and Tadd...well, it’s not like he’s _really_ losing anything. Jess tells himself he believes that and swallows a sigh, then he puts his iPod on shuffle and settles in for a long, uncomfortable flight.

Two stopovers and three crying babies later they finally touch down in L.A. Jess expects to be tired, but as soon as the ‘fasten seat belts’ sign goes off his adrenaline surges, nervous energy making him fidget as he waits for the passengers in front of him to get their bags and get out of his way. He’s still vibrating while he waits at the luggage carousel with the rest of his flight, and afterwards when he heads out of the airport in search of the car that’s supposed to take him back to the house all the contestants stayed in together during the show.

Even once he’s in the back of the car he can’t settle down, fingers drumming out a beat against his thigh as he watches L.A. traffic grind to a halt around him. The trip up the 405 feels like it takes even longer than the flight, and he knows it’s just because he’s so close now, but it’s starting to feel like he’s never going to get there.

Until they pull off the highway, then suddenly they’re moving way too fast, cars and buildings sailing by and pushing him closer and closer to the house and Tadd and the truth about what happened on Jess’s last night in L.A. His stomach ties itself into a knot at the thought and he swallows hard and curls his hands into fists to keep from grabbing the door handle and bolting the second they roll to a stop.

At the moment it doesn’t seem like the worst idea he’s ever had.

He manages to stay put until the car rolls through the security gate and into the wide driveway, then he lets himself out and thanks the driver and hauls his bags up to the door. It feels kind of weird to knock, but he does anyway, because it’s still L.A., and it’s not like they’re just going to leave it unlocked.

A few more seconds crawl by, the weight in his stomach getting heavier with each one until finally the door swings wide and Melanie’s grinning at him, then she makes a weird, high-pitched sound and drags him forward for a hug. It doesn’t do that much to settle his nerves, but the tight ball of tension in his stomach uncoils a little, at least, and he grins and lets Melanie hand him off to Sasha.

Some of the other eliminated contestants have already beaten him back; Ricky and Caitlynn are there, of course, and Ryan and Clarice and Ashley. Robert and Wadi clap him on the shoulder and ask why he wasn’t on their flight, and for a second Jess wishes he had been, if only because it would have distracted him from spending the entire day thinking about Tadd. Except he still would have been thinking about Tadd, and they probably would have noticed and called him on it, so maybe it’s for the best that he flew out by himself.

One by one he shakes hands or hugs somebody – sometimes both – until he’s not even sure who he’s said hello to. The only thing he knows for sure is he hasn’t seen Tadd yet, right up until the moment Jess turns around and there he is, smiling the same smile as the last time Jess saw him. Like he’s just been waiting this whole time for Jess to come back, except that Jess knows that’s not true, because he watched Tadd dance last week.

Then Tadd’s reaching for him, strong arms sliding around him to pull him close and Jess holds on tight and laughs against Tadd’s shoulder. But there’s no brush of lips this time, not against his cheek or his neck or any other part of him. All he gets is a tight hug that lasts maybe a second or two longer than it should, then the sound of Tadd’s voice saying, “It’s good to see you, man. We really missed you.”

It’s the ‘we’ that makes Jess’ heart sink, but he smiles back anyway when Tadd finally lets go of him. “Yeah, it’s good to be back. I kind of missed you guys too.”

For a second he thinks maybe Tadd’s going to say something else, but before he spits out whatever it is, Marko’s shouting over the rest of them about getting the party started, and a minute later there’s loud music and Red Bulls being passed around and some of the guys are clearing the living room floor so they can dance.

“It’s like they’re addicted or something,” a voice says close to his ear, and Jess barely suppresses a shiver and turns far enough to spot Tadd leaning into him.

“You can’t really talk, though. I mean, neither can I.”

“Point taken,” Tadd says, grinning at Jess up close, and if Jess was a braver person he’d lean in and kiss Tadd for real, just to see what would happen.

But he’s never been all that brave, not when it comes to stuff like this, and not when it’s a guy who’s older than him and a really good friend besides. Then there’s the fact that they have to spend two months on tour together; if Jess kisses him and Tadd has to let him down gently or whatever, it’s going to ruin the tour for Jess for sure, and it’ll probably make things weird for the rest of them too.

“Hey.”

Jess blinks Tadd back into focus, blushing when he realizes he’s been staring at Tadd’s mouth. “What?”

“What are you thinking so hard about in there?” Tadd asks, reaching up to rap his index finger against the side of Jess’ temple. Jess blushes even harder and shakes his head, ducking out of Tadd’s reach and crossing his arms over his chest.

“Nothing. Just tired from the flight. New Jersey’s a long way from here.”

“Yeah.” Tadd’s voice goes kind of wistful for a second, and Jess’ heart twists hard in his chest at the sound. He knows better than to read anything into it; even if Tadd’s going to miss him after the tour’s done, Jess knows it’s just because Tadd thinks of him as a friend. They probably wouldn’t even be that if it wasn’t for the way the show threw them all together in such an intense way, but Jess tries not to think about that part.

“You still thinking about moving out here for good?” he asks instead, doing his best not to sound like he cares one way or the other.

“I don’t know about ‘for good’, but for now, yeah,” Tadd says. “It seems like the smartest thing for my career, right?”

Jess shrugs and glances back at the center of the room, where Robert’s spotting Caitlynn through a back headflip while Flo Rida blares in the background. “Lots of great dance careers started in New York.”

Tadd doesn’t answer right away, and Jess holds his breath and doesn’t look over at him, because if Tadd’s got his angle figured out he doesn’t want to know. But before he can come up with a reason to bolt a shoulder bumps against his, and Jess chances a glance over to find Tadd grinning at him.

“Like yours.”

“Hopefully.” Jess smiles back at him for a second, ignoring the sinking feeling in his stomach. “Listen, I’m gonna go stash my stuff in my room before somebody spills Red Bull all over it or something. I’ll catch up with you later, okay?”

He doesn’t wait for Tadd to answer before he goes in search of his bag, spotting it near the front door where he dropped it when Melanie grabbed him. The further down the hall he gets the more muffled the music becomes, and by the time he reaches the room he used to share with Ricky, all he can hear is the steady thrum of the bass.

He’s not really avoiding anybody, he tells himself as he digs his toothbrush out of his bag and heads for the bathroom. It really was a long flight, and he can tell by the noise that none of them are getting much sleep tonight, so if he takes a couple minutes to brush his teeth and wash up a little no one will even notice.

Except that when finally turns off the water and heads back to his room, Tadd’s there, leaning against the door frame to watch Jess push a few damp strands of hair back off his forehead. He looks like he’s waiting for something, and Jess wants to ask what, but there’s a part of him that’s afraid Tadd will actually tell him.

Instead he crosses back to his bag and pulls out a clean shirt, then he pulls off the one he’s been wearing since he left New Jersey. He’s got an undershirt on, so it’s not like he’s half naked or anything, but when he glances over at Tadd and sees the look on his face Jess’ heart skids to a halt. Then Tadd pushes off the door frame and Jess’ heart starts back up again, racing so hard he half expects it to come right out of his chest.

“What’s up with you?” Tadd says, stopping a foot away from Jess and looking Jess up and down.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean you don’t seem all that happy to be back,” Tadd answers, frowning like he’s taking it personally or something. For all Jess knows he probably is, and yeah, okay, he’d have a point, but it’s not like Jess can tell him the truth.

“Of course I’m happy to be back,” he says instead, then he shrugs and looks down at the clean shirt still dangling from one hand. “It’s just…I kind of figured once I got home it would feel like it was over, you know? But the truth is that it didn’t, not until I got on the plane to come back. Now that I’m here and the finale’s just a few days away, it’s really _over_ , you know?”

Except Tadd doesn’t know; he can’t, because if he did he knew why it mattered to Jess that it was over, he wouldn’t be standing here staring at Jess right now. Tadd nods anyway, then he reaches out and curves a hand around the side of Jess’ neck, just like he did the night Jess got voted out, and Jess’ stomach does a cartwheel.

“Yeah, but we’ve still got the tour.”

Jess nods against Tadd’s fingers, because it’s true. They’ve got the whole tour ahead of them, two months of solid performances with not a whole lot in the way of breaks, and they’re all looking forward to it, but after that…after that it really is over, and there’s nothing any of them can do about it. Even if they get invited back as All-Stars or guest choreographers or somebody lands a job as an assistant or whatever, it won’t be the same.

It won’t be _this_ , just him and Tadd and this weird, intense connection he’s been trying to ignore since the first time he felt it.

“You’re right,” he says, mostly because he wants to believe it. “And hey, at least none of us can get kicked off this time.”

Tadd grins at him, then his other hand comes up to rest on Jess’ neck, and he knows Tadd can feel his pulse racing under his palms. He can feel it and he has to know he’s causing it, but instead of pulling away he leans in and presses his forehead against Jess’, eyes closed and just breathing, like there’s nowhere else in the world he’d rather be. It would be easy to lean in and kiss him, just the way Tadd kissed him two weeks ago. It wouldn’t even have to mean anything, except Jess knows better, and he’s starting to get the feeling Tadd does too.

He’s still trying to decide if it’s worth risking what they’ve already got when Tadd opens his eyes to stare at him up close.

“We’ve got the whole tour, right?”

Jess’ hands come up to cover Tadd’s where they’re still pressed against his neck, holding him in place like maybe he’s afraid Jess is thinking about going somewhere. Which is crazy, but Jess doesn’t tell him that. Instead he slides his fingers through Tadd’s until they’re…well, they’re kind of holding hands, anyway, then he nods and parts his lips to whisper, “Yeah, the whole tour.”

Jess is pretty sure he sounds like a moron, but Tadd’s too busy nodding back at him to notice. His lips brush Jess’ cheek again, then the corner of his mouth, and when Jess turns into him Tadd kisses him for real. His hand slides into Jess’ hair, mouth open and breathing Jess’ name against his lips like it’s a prayer or something. Like he’s been thinking about doing this for a long time, maybe trying to talk himself out of it for even longer, and now that he’s finally giving in he’s not planning to take it back.

Not that Jess is planning to let him. Even if all they’ve got is the tour, there’s no way Jess is going to give this up before he has to. Not now that he knows how Tadd’s mouth fits against his, how soft his lips are and how his fingers feel against Jess’ scalp. Now that he knows what it’s like to slide his arms around Tadd’s waist and press them together from their lips to their knees, there’s no way he can pretend he doesn’t.

“Maybe before the tour you could come spend a little time out east,” Jess says, panting the words against Tadd’s mouth. “After you go home and see your family, I mean.”

“Yeah? You gonna convince me that New York’s a great place to launch a dance career?”

“It’s worth a try,” Jess answers, his own lips curving to match Tadd’s grin.

Tadd laughs against his mouth and kisses him again, over and over until Jess forgets about the rest of the contestants down the hall, about the music and the fact that eventually someone’s going to notice that they both disappeared. He pulls back to say so, but before he gets the words out he hears a loud sigh at the door.

“Told you so. Now pay up,” Sasha says, and when Jess glances over Melanie’s frowning and holding out what looks like a ten dollar bill.

“Seriously, guys, you couldn’t wait until after the finale?” Melanie asks, but Jess can tell she’s trying not to laugh. “I had my money on an onstage kiss at the very end of the show.”

“Serves you right for betting on your friends,” Tadd says, but when he lets go of Jess he’s grinning. He crosses the room to stop in front of them, shaking his head when Sasha laughs.

“Please, like the whole planet didn’t know about you two. It was only a matter of time; Melanie’s just pissed because I won the bet.”

“That’s the only thing you’re going to win,” Melanie says, laughing and elbowing Sasha as Tadd pushes them out of the doorway and back into the hall.

They’re still pretending to argue about who’s going to win the competition when Tadd shuts the door on them and turns back to Jess, his smile a little sheepish now. “So I guess our secret’s out already.”

“Sounds like it was out before we even knew about it.”

“I guess,” Tadd says, reaching up to rub at the back of his neck for a second. “So do you really want me to come hang out in New York?”

“Technically New Jersey,” Jess answers, shoving the thought of his parents’ reaction to a surprise house guest – who also apparently happens to be Jess’ boyfriend – as far back in his mind as it will go. “But close enough.”

Tadd crosses the room to stop in front of him again, hands landing on his hips this time to tug Jess forward. And it’s not like he’s going to argue, so he slides his arms around Tadd’s shoulders and holds on.

“Yeah,” Tadd murmurs near his ear, and the sound goes straight to Jess’ dick. “Close enough.”


End file.
